Navigating the Teenage Years: Understanding Their World

Tweens and teens are often difficult to understand. The social, physical, emotional, and behavioral changes they experience can leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, upset, angry, or even apathetic. But despite their "I don’t care" attitude, the truth is—they care deeply. They just struggle to handle all the changes happening within and around them, making it easier to say "it doesn’t matter."

A major driving force for adolescents is the desire to fit in and be accepted. They constantly seek approval and balance, unsure whether to participate more or less, which group to join, or what decisions to make. At the same time, they long for the simplicity of childhood while yearning to be productive young adults. This tug-of-war is exhausting, often leading them to escape into sleep or mindless activities like video games or binge-watching Netflix.

As Lisa Damour points out in The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, adolescents pull away from their parents during this time to develop their own identity. While it may feel like rejection, it’s a normal and necessary part of growing up. Teens don’t hate their parents—they just need space. Despite their behavior, they crave love, support, and boundaries. They need to know you're there for them, even on their worst days. Whether they’re in the mood to talk or just need you nearby, your presence is vital to their growth.

From my years of working with middle schoolers, I’ve learned that they need space and respect. Sometimes, their response is simply, “I don’t know,” and that’s okay. If they say they need alone time, don’t push—just let them be. Think about how you might enjoy a few extra minutes in the shower or car for some peace. Similarly, avoid yelling. When emotions are high, pausing the conversation and returning to it later can lead to more constructive communication. Yelling only reinforces their negative self-image.

Middle schoolers often think they need all the latest electronics—phones, gaming systems, VR. While they may want these things, they also secretly crave boundaries, even if they won’t admit it. They need you to set limits because they don’t yet have the willpower to do it themselves. Encourage face-to-face conversations and allow for boredom, which can lead to creative and fulfilling activities like reading or playing sports with friends. Yes, they’ll push back, but stick to your limits. After a few days, you’ll notice a happier, healthier child.

Adolescents are transitioning from childhood to young adulthood, which comes with increased responsibility. Instead of giving them everything, teach them the value of earning and saving for what they want. Though they may complain about it being unfair, their sense of accomplishment when they purchase something on their own is priceless. This independence is what they’re striving for.

Raising a teen is hard—it truly takes a village. Most children need someone other than their parents to talk to, whether it’s a mentor, counselor, or therapist. Help find them their person. As parents, you won’t always get it right, and that’s okay. The key is to remind your child daily that they are loved, valued, and irreplaceable.

I’ve been through it myself. There were times I wasn’t sure we’d make it, but now, my once-teenagers are thriving adults. Hang in there—you’ll make it through, too.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this important journey and part of your village!

Chrystal